An imagined monologue sponsored by my anxiety

Hi team, thank you for participating in this brainstorm! Remember, there are NO bad ideas, only ones that reveal the depths of your incompetence and make your colleagues look at you differently. …


Staying home is the safest thing to do but it doesn’t have to be a bummer

In my twenties I lived in Chicago and flew home to Connecticut only once for Thanksgiving (so that I could attend my 5-year high school reunion which was ill-advised). Being a plane ride away meant I couldn’t afford to come home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. …


by Ali Kelley, Danielle Kraese, Kate Herzlin, and Ysabel Yates

“The detection of a gas in the planet’s atmosphere could turn scientists’ gaze to a planet long overlooked in the search for extraterrestrial life.” — Life on Venus? Astronomers See a Signal in Its Clouds. New York Times. 9/14/2020

They’ve…


Refreshing excuses you can use at any time

  1. I’m sorry I’m an hour late! It’s daylight saving time somewhere!

2. I know I’m a grown adult and I shouldn’t be scared to go to work, but somewhere it’s Sunday night.

3. Oh, you’re planning on wearing white to my wedding? I know I don’t have the congressional authority…


Upholding marriage vows in confinement

I’ve always said you should live with someone before marrying them, but I never advocated for an indefinite quarantine. I am not a monster or a reality show producer. But for the past three weeks, every couple that lives together has been put to the test. …


Updated superstitions and justified paranoia for the new year

1. Going outside with wet hair will make you catch a cold that you won’t be able to treat until your insurance premium goes down.

2. If you swallow gum it will stay in your stomach for the length of time it takes you to find an in-network gastroenterologist: 7…


You are more than the feminine hygiene products they blame you for

Hate that you’re constantly getting blamed for wrecking the plumbing with your tampons and sanitary napkins? Don’t let an accusatory, Word Art poster in the women’s bathroom reduce you to a tired stereotype.

It’s 2017 and NEWS FLASH: Not all women use their feminine hygiene products to clog the toilet…


A Belladonna #TBT post

Editor’s note: This is a Belladonna #TBT post, where we resurface old favorites that are just as hilariously relevant today.

Subject: Nice to meet you!

Hey, thanks for checking us out. How does a promo code sound? Enter NEWDEAL at checkout for 15% off your entire purchase. …


Because every. single. story. deserves to be told

1. Weather/Wither

Global warming is the single greatest threat facing our planet. But in Medium’s new publication, “Weather/Wither,” we’re exclusively focusing on the inane weather conversations that define the American work experience and make you want to die inside. We’re not interested in reported features on Norway’s melting ice caps or the…


Beware the fast fashion fantasyland…

Written By Rosamund Lannin and Ali Kelley

The Ant and the Grasshopper

On a crisp morning in November, Anna debuted her new winter staple — a beautiful suede swing coat with faux fur collar. She had spent her summer working double shifts at Mulligans to save up enough money to purchase the coat. Proud of…

Ali Kelley

Brooklyn-based writer raised in the Connecticut suburbs. Words at Slate, Washington Post, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency / https://alikelley.com/

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