John Mayer’s Exes Plan His 40th Birthday

image via Complex

“For Mr. Mayer, who recently became an uncle for the first time: He really does want to settle down. “That’s the final frontier, man.” But as he approaches a milestone birthday, “I wish there was somebody to throw me the 40th,” Mr. Mayer said.” -The New York Times, March 23, 2017

Swift: Let me start off by saying I only agreed to do this for the material. I’ve got this song idea that I think would make a great companion piece to “22.” It’s going to be about turning 40 and how sad and gross and lonely it must be.

Aniston: Well, ok, it’s not actually that bad, Taylor.

Swift: OMG I’m sorry, I totally meant that it’s sad to be a single, childless 40-year-old man. But you’re not…

Aniston: A divorced, childless 48-year-old woman?

Swift: OMG again! I thought you were 32?? You look sooo young.

Aniston: Can I get some help here?

Hewitt: What if we did something Wonderland themed?

Perry: Like Alice in Wonderland? I could get into that. I know a guy that builds life-size rabbit holes in your backyard. He arrives ahead of time to measure you to make sure you fit. He’s what you’d consider a “theatrical ditch digger.” I use him on tour all the time when I need an emergency escape hatch from fans.

Hewitt: That’s one approach. I was thinking more of a body exploration angle. We can play Operation and brainstorm metaphors for different body parts. Like for example, you might say about me, your skin is porcelain, one pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue.

Aniston: Literally no one would say that but John Mayer.

Hewitt: They might though.

Simpson: Remember, this is supposed to be a kid-friendly birthday, y’all. John is ready to settle down and have a child.

[Group erupts in laughter. “Right,” “Sure.”]

Perry: It seems like just yesterday he was comparing you to crack cocaine.

Simpson: The phrase was “sexual napalm” which is funny because napalm is used in war and we never fought during sex. Anyway can we focus in on the kids? How do we make this party PG?

Swift: Most of us are singers, why don’t we do a sing-along? What nursery rhymes do you think John sang as a kid?

Simpson: I know! Hot Cross Buns!

[Rest of group erupts in laughter again.]

Simpson: What’s so funny? That’s a good song!

Hewitt: “Your rear like hot cross buns.” Very poetic, I like it.

Swift: I’ve got a cover of Jack and Jill I’ve been saving. Jack is of course a thinly-veiled stand-in for John and Jill is…me. We both went up that hill together and then when John fell down, I blindly tumbled after him.

Perry: I think you guys are missing the point here. John asked us to plan his 40th birthday party because he wants us to all help raise his kid. This was a test to see how well we could work together.

Aniston: Unfortunately I’m not interested in caring for children, that’s why I broke up with John.

Swift: Oooh that’s a good one. Can I use that line?

Perry: Same.

Aniston: Go for it! As for this “test” of our compatibility, you are all lovely ladies who I would agree to see again on the condition that we never talk about John Mayer.

Perry: Well, you know he’s writing a song about me.

Swift: And I’m writing my third song about what we had.

Hewitt: And I’m partnering with Bonne Bell to put out a “Bubblegum Tongue” line of chapsticks.

Simpson: And my kids are starting to ask what “sexual napalm” means.

Aniston: So that’s it? We’re tied forever to him like the group of unlikely friends you make in your twenties and grow to consider family?

Swift: Oooh that’s good too! Can I borrow that line?

Aniston: I’ll see myself out.

Brooklyn-based writer raised in the Connecticut suburbs. Words at Slate, Washington Post, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency /

Brooklyn-based writer raised in the Connecticut suburbs. Words at Slate, Washington Post, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency /