New Wives’ Tales for 2020
Updated superstitions and justified paranoia for the new year
1. Going outside with wet hair will make you catch a cold that you won’t be able to treat until your insurance premium goes down.
2. If you swallow gum it will stay in your stomach for the length of time it takes you to find an in-network gastroenterologist: 7 years.
3. It’s bad luck to open an umbrella inside the waiting room of your gastroenterologist’s office.
4. You should wait an hour after eating before opening the bill from your gastroenterologist visit.
5. The white spots on your fingernails are due to your lying about completing Whole30.
6. Eating the crust of bread will make your gluten intolerance flare up.
7. If you make a silly face in the wind your boss will still accuse you of having resting bitch face.
8. Cracking your knuckles gives you arthritis, which is a pre-existing condition you are mandated to disclose to your insurer.
9. “Swimming on a full stomach is the reason you are experiencing bad cramps,” is how your male doctor will misdiagnose you.
10. Swallowing a seed will make a watermelon grow in your stomach and your employer deny your request for maternity leave.
11. Nosebleeds are a sign of sexual arousal that a licensed therapist could help you work through sometime in 2024 when they are accepting new patients.
12. Eating ice cream before bed leads to nightmares about how your body is breaking down and you can’t afford basic medical care, but at least there’s one, free thing left that can always put you to sleep.
13. Masturbation will make you go blind if you don’t turn your screen brightness down.
Ali Kelley is trying to be less superstitious this year. More at: www.aliskelley.com
