Why won’t you buy our bestselling, high-rise, skinny jeans?

Smash the patriarchy!

Subject: Nice to meet you!

Hey, thanks for checking us out. How does a promo code sound? Enter NEWDEAL at checkout for 15% off your entire purchase. Don’t be a stranger ;) We’re all friends here.

Subject: OK, now you’re making us blush.

Wow, we love that you dig our high-rise skinny jeans (almost) as much as we do.

Complete your order now and we’ll give you an extra 10% off when you use promo code VIBES.

Subject: We’re a little obsessed with your new tattoo.

Moon phases are super chic. Thanks for not hiding us when we sponsored an ad on your Instagram feed. What can we say; you’re our target demographic.So what’s it going to take for you to say ‘yaas queen to these jeans?’ Use the promo code SLAYALLDAY at checkout and we’ll waive your shipping fees. That’s what friends do.

Subject: Playing hard to get?

Girl. You’ve got this. Just smash that order button like you smashed the patriarchy last weekend at the Planned Parenthood rally. (Thanks for not hiding us on Facebook either) How about this: Use the promo code NASTYWOMAN and we’ll donate 25% of your order proceeds to Planned Parenthood. #girlpower #thefutureisfemale

Subject: OMFGerwig. Greta Gerwig wears our jeans.

Time to freak out. OSCAR-nominated director Greta Gerwig was spotted walking around the West Village in our feminist, high-rise skinny jeans. Now is the time to claim what is rightfully yours. Apply the promo code: LADYBIRD at checkout and we’ll mail you a screener of Lady Bird and a Time’s Up pin.

Subject: Oops. That wasn’t Greta Gerwig wearing our jeans.

Our bad! Apparently there are a lot of “Greta Gerwig” types who live in the West Village. Did you not get our last email? We couldn’t help but notice there was no activity on your account. Not to be online retailer but we’re beginning to think you may not actually care about us and/or women’s rights. Use the promo code STOP at checkout and (tearfully) we promise to get the hint.

Subject: This single mother wants to thank you in advance for buying our jeans.

Perhaps no one benefits more from the sale of our ethical, high-rise, skinny jeans then Patty Hogan, a single mother of four living paycheck to paycheck in coal country, PA. By purchasing our jeans, you’re giving Patty and her kids the first permanent shelter they’ve ever known. The sale of one pair of pants will buy them a three-bedroom townhome.

This is the reason our jeans are “expensive AF” according to your tweet from last Thursday night. We saw that. We’re not mad though. If we can make one customer examine their unchecked privilege AND sell a pair of high-rise, skinny jeans with optional monogramming, then we’ve done our job. Click the link to watch a video of Patty and her kids prematurely thanking you for saving their lives. Make sure you have tissues handy.

Subject: Psst, this is starting to feel intensely personal.

Hey. It’s us again. If this is really a money thing we can delay payments until your next paycheck clears. Use promo code RIDEORDIE. You know we got you, girl. Opt in to those beautiful, beautiful jeans. We won’t ask again.

Subject: It was never meant to be this way.

All we wanted was to take care of you, to swaddle you in an over-sized, vintage duster and tuck you into a pile of cotton crewneck tees. It was supposed to be cozy and effortless, bold in a timeless way, timeless in a bold way. We wanted you to be a sexy tomboy, that’s all. Is that a crime? A goddamn crime?!

Subject: Rashida Jones says she can’t live without our jeans.

So you think you’re better than Rashida Jones?

Subject: Literally you’re the only one who doesn’t want these jeans.

Just a reminder that your ex’s new girlfriend owns a pair of our jeans.

Subject: It’s time to finish what you started…

No more games, Lindsay. No more bullshit 5 for $5 deals. Fast fashion will always let you down. But not our classic, high-rise skinny jeans. Remember when they were going to save you? You were going to finally have the confidence to ask for a raise and a date from that dude who always trolls your Instagram posts? But you never followed through. You didn’t pass that Google Analytics certification or attempt any of the Whole 30 recipes you pinned. Now you’re in the same spot you were 3 months ago. You dropped the ball on the one sure bet in your life. Now all you’re left with is clinically-crippling FOMO and banner ads, haunting you in every corner of the Internet for all eternity.

Subject: How did we do?

Interested in providing us some totally informal closure? Fill out this quick 5-question survey to let us know how we can improve our customer service.

Brooklyn-based writer raised in the Connecticut suburbs. Words at Slate, Washington Post, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency / https://alikelley.com/